Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/incomplete/startruckthethirdattempt.ep1

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Subject: star truck
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Date: 6 Feb 95 11:07:31 -0600
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1


Star Truck
The Third Attempt
Episode One: In The Beginning

    Space. The final lonesome highway. These are the trials and
tribulations of the USS Star Truck. It's five-year goal: TO ONE DAY FINALLY
GET THE HECK OUT OF THE GARAGE!!!


    Captain's log, stardate 1

    At last, the...

    First Officer Spark Plug came running down the hall, crashed into a
wall, turned, ran, ran into another wall, backed up, crashed into the door,
left the door laying on the floor, tripped over it, banged his head into
Captain Clerk's desk, knocked everything off it, including the captain's log,
which splintered its fine-sanded edge, lost its bark, broke into a million
wood chips, went crashing with the desk down the hall, splintering all the
way, gave me a run-on sentence, and almost ran me clean out of commas.
    Clerk grabbed at Spark's neck like he was Batman or something, and
with his mouth close enough to Spark's nose to bite it off, asked, in a fine,
grating, barking whisper, "What is it, Spark?"
    "Sir, I've got a question."
    Clerk violently released his grip, sending Spark through the floor. He
landed on the desk of our publisher, destroying $20 worth of equipment.
"Okay," said Clerk, "Shoot".
    And Clerk lay dead there on the floor.


    Court Log, Stardate Fig Newton,

     Judge Joseph A. Wapler, presiding over the murder trial of
the Voltan first officer of the Star Truck, Spark Plug. Due to
pretrial publicity owing to the premature release of Star Truck,
the third attempt, we can't tell you what happened in the trial.
So there. Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah. Suffice it to say that Sparky is
now serving time in New York.

    "Hey, Spark, get me some coffee, will you?"
    "Sure, James. You know, when they told me I would be serving time,
I thought they meant jail, I had no idea they would give me a job at the
magazine. Why, working with you has been such a wonderful experience..."
    James rolled his eyes. "All right, Spark. What is it you want this
time?"
    "The lead story."
    "No can do. We're already backed up with lead stories up to January
23, 12,341,432,532 AD."
    Spark wrestled with that thought for a while. Due to a shortage of
brain cells, that thought pinned him to the...

     "Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building!"

    "What was that all about?" Spark asked James.
    "I don't know. Must be from another story."
    But then, a man in his mid-fifties with long sideburns and a low-cut
jacket ran across the stage. He had only one thing to say. He ran right up to
Janice asdgh of our camera crew, and asked, "Are you lonesome tonight?"

    Our Executive Producer, Jim Klafgal, ran right up to Elvis and said,
"Get the heck back to work, Asdgh." Then he wondered at what he had
said. Then he realized that, of course, we edit everything. So he was
satisfied with heck.
    "Hey fella," said the King, "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."
    "Don't worry, he's not talking to me. He used the wrong name."
    "Yes, I did. I told you to get the heck..." a funny look on his face like,
did I say that?"... off the stage, Asdgh."
    "Then why didn't you tell me, instead of Asdgh?"
    "You're Asdgh!"
    "No, my name is asdgh, not Asdgh."
    "Your name is Jim," Spark joined in.
    They both stared at him.
    "Sorry," he said, his face turning red, "wrong movie."
    They resumed their confrontation.
    "What's the difference?"
    "My a is not capitalized. Asdgh is. asdgh isn't. So you told Asdgh, not
asdgh, to get off the stage. So I'm fine where I'm at. Asdgh is your broker,
remember?"
    "Asdgh, asdgh, asduhguh, whatever your name is, you get off the
stage, and you..." he grabbed Presley's collar,"You get the heck... did I say
that? I meant heck... oh, goodness, I hate this editing system! You can't
even cuss! What's a guy got to do to cuss around here... you get the heck
out of this building, you're supposed to have left already. So go out. Got it?
Out."
    "In the cold Kentucky rain?"
    "This is Wisconsin. Now MOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    "Uh, Sir, I thought you should know, you never said cut. The tape's
been rolling the whole time!!!"
    "Why, you Imbecile!"
    "I'm not an Imbecile. I'm a Moron. Ralph Moron, to be exact. Imbecile
is your agent."
    "Oh, right, I remember. On loan from Warner, yes, you worked in
Spaceballs, didn't you?"
    "Yeah, but that was a one-time gig, and I didn't have all that big a
part. You pay better."
    "Just one thing. Even if I forget to say cut..."
    And the screen fades to black.

    The camera pans back in, and Moron is laying decked on the floor,
with a black eye. Klafgal had a look of resentment on his face. "Next time,"
he said, let me finish my sentences. Okay. Cut."

    Times scene, take Two. And Action!

    "Hey, Spark, get me some coffee, will you?"
    "Sure, James. You know, when they told me I would be serving time,
I thought they meant jail, I had no idea they would give me a job at the
magazine. Why, working with you has been such a wonderful experience..."
    James rolled his eyes. "All right, Spark. What is it you want this
time?"
    "The lead story."
    "No can do. We're already backed up with lead stories up to January
23, 12,341,432,532 AD."
    "Where have I heard that before?"

    "Hi Spark," Clerk asked, "how's it going? I just came back from doing
a cameo in Me and Bob! How's life in the movie business? Boy, I sure am
glad to be dead..."
    Klafgal: "Get that imbecile off the stage!!!!"
    "Imbecile's your agent, remember?"
    "Oh, right. Well, get that fool off the stage."
    "Fool's a player on your baseball team, remember?"
    "What?"
    "No, what's on second."
    "Well, who's on third?"
    "No, Who's on first. I Don't Know is on Third."
    "Oh, great. As if it wasn't bad enough that we were stealing from
Spaceballs, now we have to steal from Abbot and Costello."
    "MAY THE SCHWARTS BE WITH YOU!!"
    "Moron?"
    "Yes, boss?"
    "Shut up."

    They walked over to where Clerk was. Clerk was saying, "You mean
you're still on that Time scene? Boy, production work sure goes slow... hey
guys, how's it going... Hey not so rough, you'll ruin the material... Hey, you
don't have to lift me up... hey, what is this?"
    They threw Clerk out on the street.

    Times scene, take three. And action!
    "Hey, Spark, get me some coffee, will you?"
    "Sure, James. You know, when they told me I would be serving time,
I thought they meant jail, I had no idea they would give me a job at the
magazine. Why, working with you has been such a wonderful experience..."
    James rolled his eyes. "All right, Spark. What is it you want this
time?"
    "The same as the last two takes. The lead story."
    "No can do. We're already backed up with lead stories up to January
23, 12,341,432,532 AD."
    "How is that possible?"
    "Hey Spark old buddy, you never told me how it was going!" It was
Clerk.
    Klafgal did not take kindly to that. "Clerk, if you don't leave the stage
right now, and never come back, YOUR CONTRACT WILL BE REVOKED!"
    "Oh, I'm not worried. What good's a contract to a dead man?"
    Klafgal rolled his eyes. "Look, Clerk, if we can rewrite the script so
that you didn't die, would you agree to follow your contract?"
    "Sure."
    "Okay. And CUT!"


    Opening scene, take 2.

     Captain's log, stardate 1

    At last, the...

    First Officer Spark Plug came running down the hall (again), crashed
into a wall, turned, ran, ran into another wall, backed up, crashed into the
door, left the door laying on the floor, tripped over it, banged his head into
Captain Clerk's desk, knocked everything off it, including the captain's log,
which splintered its fine-sanded edge, lost its bark, broke into a million
wood chips, went crashing with the desk down the hall, splintering all the
way, gave me a run-on sentence, and almost ran me clean out of commas.
He said, "Don't you hate when that happens?"
    "You know, I loose more floors that way!"
    "Hey, Clerk!"
    "What?
    "Do you suppose we should stick to the script?"
    "Yeah, that might be a good idea."
    So Clerk grabbed at Spark's neck like he was Batman or something,
and with his mouth close enough to Spark's nose to bite it off, asked, in a
fine, grating, barking whisper, "What is it, Spark?"
    "Sir, I've got a question."
    Clerk violently released his grip, sending Spark through the floor. He
landed on the desk of our publisher, destroying $20 worth of equipment.
"Okay," said Clerk, "what is it?".

    "Sir, we've been sitting in this garage for years now. WHEN ARE WE
GONNA GET OUT OF HERE?????"
    "Oh, Spark, didn't you here? They left already, while we were doing
retakes!!!!!!"
    Spark let a long, wildsome scream, jumped up through the hole in the
floor, and, unphas(er)ed, crashed right through the window, running as fast
as he could to catch up with the Star Truck.
    "Hey, Spark!"
    Spark turned around, and shouted, exasperated, "WHAT???"
    "You're supposed to be in space now, buddy. There's no air in space.
You're supposed to faint. Gee whiz, buddy, follow your lines!!!!!!"
    "Oh, yeah, I forgot." And he fainted.

    When he came to, Clerk was right by his bedside.
    "Hey buddy, you okay???"
    "Yeah, I guess so."
    "Gee Whilikers, first you kill me, and then you commit suicide. You
know, I was wondering if you could, like, act perfectly logical from now
on??"
    Despite his ailment, Spark got up, started to strangle Clerk, decided
against it, but threw Clerk through the window.
    "Hey, you know what, buddy? You're right!!!! This is exhilarating!!!"
    "I WISH THE BLOODY HECK-did I say heck? I meant heck, not heck...
what's a guy got to do to curse around here ...YOU'D QUIT REFERRING TO
THE LAST TWO ATTEMPTS AT STAR TRUCK, YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME
PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MIGHT BE STARTING ON THIS ONE!!! AND THERE
IS NO WAY IN THE BLOODY MARY HECK THAT I'M GONNA IMITATE SPOCK
AND ACT LIKE A LOGICAL GEEK... THAT'S WHAT RUINED THE LAST TWO,
MY DRY SENSE OF HUMOR, AND I SWEAR TO GOSH- hey, aren't you
overediting just a tad bit.. THAT I WON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!!! And
now I've run out things to cuss about, so I'd better shut up."

    "You know, buddy, I was thinking, a truck can't work very well
without Spark Plugs, right? So I was thinking, it couldn't go very far, could
it?"
    "A truck can't get very far in space very easily anyway, without air
for the carburetor. Or a road to drive on."
    "Yeah, but this is a comedy, and we're playing loose with the facts.
Tell you what, as soon as you recover, I'll charter a Winnebago, and we can
catch up."
    "You know what, Clerk? That's another thing we stole from
Spaceballs"
    "No, we didn't steal it, we just sort of, uh, borrowed it.


    Later, they were going after the Winnebago.
    "Mr. Clerk?"
    "Yes?"
    "We'd like to take you down to the stationhouse and ask you a few
questions."
    Then, they're there.
    "How'd we get here so fast?'
    "Hey, haven't you guys ever heard of camera magic?"

    "Mr. Clerk?"
    "Yes?"
    "You have the right to shut up. If you give up that right, we'll shut
you up. You have the right to hire a pinko liberal blabbermouth to defend
your worthless cause, but if you can't afford one, the court will be forced to
give you one."
    "You don't take kindly to civil disobedience, do you?"
    "Shut up."
    "What's the charge?"
    "Grand Theft Auto."
    "WHAT?"
    "Well, didn't Spark say you stole a Winnebago from Spaceballs?"
    "Not that I know of."
    "Cut the lip, mac. I can read as well as you can. It's says so right here
on the bottom of page four."
    "Oh, yeah, I guess it does. But you know, I didn't steal it!"
    "Really? Who did?"
    "Our Executive Producer, Jim Klafgal"
    "Really?"
    "Yeah, seems we needed it to catch up with the Star Truck, see, but
we had no way to get there, see..."
    "DANG RIGHT I SEE!!! I'M NOT BLIND, YOU KNOW!!!!"
    "You're not?"
    "No!"
    "Then what's with the dark glasses?'
    "See the sun over there? See how bright it is? I have sensitive eyes,
all right? Leave me alone. LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!! GET OUT OF MY
FACE AND IF I EVER SEE YOU AROUND HERE AGAIN, I'LL KILL
YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    "Does that mean we're free to go?"
    "MOVE!!!!!!"
    "Alright, alright, I'm going!!!!"

    So they caught up with the Winnebago. They started to drive off, but
a time-released switch hitched to the bottom of the chassis released a hot
liquid that fused two wires, leading to the mixture of large quantities of
two very dangerous chemicals (H2O and Fr2), which caused a big explosion
that completely destroyed all life on the planets Earth, Mars and Jupiter. It
killed them. Dead. As if they were bugs. Spark and Clerk died. The end.

    Jim Klafgal stormed onto the stage, shouting, "WHAT THE HOLY HECK
DO YOU MEAN, THE END? THAT'S NOT WITH THE SCRIPT! WE'VE GOT FIFTY
PAGES OF SCRIPT LEFT TO GO? WHO PUT THE BOMB THERE? THERE'S NOT
IN THE SCRIPT? FOLLOW THE MOTHERFUDGING DANG SCRIPT, YOU
WORTHLESS PIECE OF..."
    I had heard enough. I deleted him.

    The question remains: Who put the bomb there? Our prime suspects
are: Elvis Presley, Jim Klafgal, and Mandy Bainbridge. No one else in this
story is smart enough to do it.
    Of course, in this business, everyone is a suspect.


Star Truck
The Third Attempt
Episode Two


    It was another baffling case. But then again, I suppose you never
hire a detective for the EASY ones.
    Houses is the name. Sure-Are-Locked Houses. I'm a private
investigator by trade. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
    It was a cold, rainy day when I first heard of the incident. I was
reading Star Truck one evening when the following notice appeared,
towards the end of the story:


    "So they caught up with the Winnebago. They started to drive off,
but a time-released switch hitched to the bottom of the chassey released a
hot liquid that fused two wires, leading to the mixture of large quanaties of
two very dangerous chemicals (H2O and Fr2), which caused a big explosion
that completely destroyed all life on the planets Earth, Mars and Jupiter. It
killed them. Dead. As if they were bugs. Spark and Clerk died. The end.

    "Jim Klafgal stormed onto the stage, shouting, "WHAT THE HOLY HECK
DO YOU MEAN, THE END? THAT'S NOT WITH THE SCRIPT! WE'VE GOT FIFTY
PAGES OF SCRIPT LEFT TO GO? WHO PUT THE BOMB THERE? THERE'S NOT
IN THE SCRIPT? FOLLOW THE MOTHERFUDGING DANG SCRIPT, YOU
WORTHLESS PEICE OF..."


    The question remains: Who put the bomb there? Our prime suspects
are: Elvis Presley, Jim Klafgal, and Mandy Bainbridge. No one else in this
story is smart enough to do it.
    Of course, in this business, everyone is a suspect.

    First on my list of suspects was the famous singer, Elvis Aaron
Presley. Having faked death to hitch a ride on a UFO, the former Rock
Superstar had returned to lead a "normal" life. But on his way back to
Memphis from California, where he had performed as an extra in the hit
movie "Cocktail", some fans noticed him. Trying to escape, he hid out in
Klafgal Studios, where "Star Truck" was being produced. As a matter of
fact, he even ran across the stage, ruining a scene. He saw Janice asdgh, the
camera lady, and fell instantly, madly in love... as he put it. But then he
had a run-in with the producer, Jim Klafgal. Perhaps he had overheard
Klafgal mentioning the Winnebago they had chartered, on loan from
Warner Studios. (Or was it on loan? Recent evidence has been uncovered
suggesting that the Winnebago was stolen, and that Clerk was in on the
deal.) Regardless of that, the fact remains that it is quite possible that Elvis
got confused, and thought that Klafgal would be on that vehicle. Perhaps
his jealousy got the better of him. He couldn't stand it anymore. It became
an obsession. Perhaps that's what happened.
    Now, Elvis certainly had the motive, and he just as certainly had the
means, having had acess to all the high tech aboard the UFO. Elvis says he
was going to donate all that to science. SURE he was.

    Jim Klafgal is also a prime suspect. He has a one-track mind;
whatever he is working on becomes an obsession, and he cannot stand
interruptions. The evidence is clear: look how he treated Clerk when he
returned. And it is reputed that Klafgal was most certainly not an Elvis fan;
he was known to have been enrolled in a Jimi Hendrix cult. He saw Elvis as
a threat to his business. He had a motive, and he had the means: Money
talks. Perhaps Klafgal murdered Spark and Clerk, and tried to frame it on
Elvis.

    Nor have we yet ruled out the possibility of a high-school prank.
Mandy Bainbridge is also known to be a Hendrix cultist. When she first
saw the layout of Star Truck, she reportedly said:

    "Man that was one hell of a story that was on the screen when I got
in here, "Star Truck"! Quite confusing. I thought about adding something to
the effect of the whole entire story being one scene (or maybe it was) or
adding that the Winnebago they were going to get had a bomb attatched to
the bottom and it blew up or something."

    So we know that she was at least thinking of planting a bomb. Like I
said, a high-school prank. But where were her means?

    Then we have the pretty camera lady, Janice asdgh. Perhaps she
wanted Clerk and Spark out of the way so she could run off with Elvis.
(They might have given his idenity away.) Perhaps she made the same
mistake Elvis might have, and planted the bomb to remove Klafgal so she
and Elvis could run off together.




    Normally in a case like this, I'd go back to the scene of the crime and
investigate the clues. But a radioactive car bomb doesn't leave too many
clues.
    I had recieved a tip off that Elvis was seen in a Sears store in Green
Bay. I just love tip-offs. Especially ones I read in a grocery store checkout
lane.
    So I got in my car and drove to Green Bay. Actually, it was a bit more
complicated then that. I looked in each of the tire rods to see if there was a
bomb. I checked near the engine. I checked under the engine. I took apart
the engine, tried to put it back together, failed, had to call a mechanic to fix
it, gave up waitin' for him, and took a taxi.
    The taxi was stuck fast in reverse. I pointed this out to the driver.
    "Wow, Sure Locked, how'd you ever guess that???"
    "Elementary, my dear cabbie, elementary."
    We were still going in reverse . Obviously I was dealing with a real
brain here. I pointed this out to my driver.
    "Oh, didn't you know? This is one of those German cars. The engine is
in the back."
    I checked. It was an Isuzu. I kept my mouth shut. Obviously when
this floogie saw where the engine was, he thought that was the rear of the
car.
    It was then that I noticed his mustache and his swastika armband.
"Hey, I know you!" I called out in shock. "You- you- why, you're..."

    Three guesses.

    Let's take a short intermission to guess who was driving that taxi.

    I SAID LET'S TAKE AN INTERMISSION!!!!!!!!

    There, did you have a nice trip top the bathroom? I know I did. Boy,
did I have fun.
    Sorry to keep you in suspense.
    The taxi driver was....
    Now Guess...

    If you guessed "Adolf Hitler", you were right.

    So now I was riding in a taxi driven by Adolf Hitler trying to chase
down Elvis Presley in a checkout lane. I felt like I was in the Enquirer. But,
I suppose Enquirering minds want to know. I want to know.

    There, I know.

    The drive was long and boring. Long and boring. Long and - YOU
GUESSED IT!!- boring.
    When we finally got there, I decided to forget about the Car Bomb
Case and investigate this Hitler.
    "Did you really do all those things attributed to you during World
War II?"
    He took the Ronald Reagan out. "Um, well, that is, you see, my
memory isn't what it used to be; I don't remember".
    Reagan jumped in. "That's my line!!" He said.
    "Oh, sorry. I wouldn't want to offend the Gipper. You know, you're
one of my heroes..."
    "Shut Up."
    "Right, Sir."
    "Houses," said Reagan, obviously drunk, "Can I trust you to keep a
secret?"
    Are you kidding? I'm the National Enquirer's Official "Reliable
Source".
    "Of course you can trust me, Ronnie."
    "You know the Iran Arms deal? That's all a lie. All a lie. Our frontmen
planted false information that the money went to the Contras in Florida..."
    "Nicaraqua, Ron"
    "Wherever. In reality, the money went to Hitler and what's left of the
Nazi Party. I've always been a Nazi fan."
    "Always been a Nazi fan," Hitler agreed.
    "Shut up, Der Fuher, you'll make me furious."
    "You know, the Nazis have gotten a bad name in the last 50 years or
so. All they want to do is conquer the world. Is that so bad? Gorbechev is
working for us in the USSR, obstensively posing as the bearer of
Democracy. The President is a wimp. I should know. I worked with him for
the past 8 years. And the only thing that stands in our way is the United
States Congress."
    "You, You're a Madman!!!"
    "Madman? No, I'm just drunk."

    And they pulled off their masks. It was Mark "Dick" Clark and Mr. Ed
McHorse.
    "You're on TV's Bloopers and Pratical Jokes."
    "Really? I thought I was on The Tonight's American Bandstand Show,
or something like that. Hey Mark, what are you doin' here, man?"
    "Oh, I just came over from bully's story, Mark and Mandy. That story
was too foul-mouthed. I needed a change of pace."
    "Well, you've come to the right place. You couldn't even cuss here if
you wanted to. We've got this dork of an editor, see, and he doesn't believe
in that sort of thing."
##########################################################
####### ############

    HEY, WAIT A MINUTE? DID HE JUST CALL ME A DORK????

    I had heard enough. I deleted him.

    But where does that leave us? There's no longer any case to be
solved. I think I'll take the Dallas out. It was all Pam's dream.
    They'll begin filming Star Truck again next week, and hopefully this
time THEY'LL GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!




Star Truck
The Third Attempt.
Episode Three.

    Space. It must be in your head if you are dumb enough to read this.
These are the Adventures of the Star Truck Enterprise. It's five-year
mission:
    -To go far, far away and get lost in the middle of nowhere.
    -To seek out new life to replace the old ones that may have died on
us-
    -To abolish five-year missions-
    -TO BOLDLY GO AND MAKE COMPLETE IDIOTS OF OURSELVES-1

    "Pam, are you awake?"
    "I'm awake now. What is this, a Sucrets commercial?"
    "No, it's just that you were saying some... well, some of the
STRANGEST things in your sleep."
    "Oh Bobby, I had some of the strangest dreams. One was where they
shot you, but everyone knows about that one because it was blasted all
over the TV several years ago."
    "Hey, I'm still here, angelcakes"
    "Yes, well, the other one was REALLY weird. I dreamed someone had
rigged a car bomb to kill Elvis. Then this detective guy, he went to
investigate it but got caught up in a taxi with Adolf Hitler and Reagan.
Then they told this reporter..."
    While she was still speaking, Bobby Ewing picked up the latest
edition of the National Enquirer. It said:

"TRUTH REVEALED AT LAST!
IRAN CONTRA FUNDS SECRETLY DIVERTED TO NAZI PARTY IN GERMANY"
    Pamela fainted dead away.

    First Officer Spark Plug came running down the hall, crashed into a
wall, turned, ran, ran into another wall, backed up, crashed into the door,
letting it lie there on the floor, tripped over it, banged his head into Clerk's
desk, knocking off the Captain's log and reducing it to splinters, gave me a
run-on sentence, and neared his quota of commas.
    "You know," he said, "Sometimes I hate to come to work."
    "You'd better watch it, Buddy. That's starting to become a habit.
    Clerk grabbed at Spark's neck like he was Batman or something, and
said, "OW!"
    "Ow?"
    "Arthritis, Spark. It gets in the way sometimes. I don't think that I
can do the rest of this scene. Maybe we should dub in some footage from
the last time we tried this."
    "Bad idea, Captain. Radioactive car bombs aren't very kind to film."
    "Then we'll have to bring in one of my stunt doubles. Hey, Harry!!"
    Clerk left the stage and his stunt double, Harry Eaglewood, came on.
He didn't look a thing like Clerk except from one exact angle.
    Harry grabbed at Spark's neck like he was Batman or something, and
with his mouth close enough to Spark's ear to bite it off (The script called
for getting close to Spark's nose, but like I said, one exact angle), asked, in
a fine, grating, barking whisper, "What is it, Spark?"
    Spark looked in the direction Harry was facing. Not seeing anything,
he shrugged his shoulders.
    "Sir, I've got a question."
            Harry violently released his grip, sending Spark through the floor.
He landed on the desk     1- You are a fool who reads footnotes instead
of enjoying the story. Get a life.
of  our publisher, destroying $20 worth of equipment.
                 "Okay," said Harry, "what is it?".
    "Sir, Have you seen the latest National Enquirer"
    "No, I haven't. Why?"
    So Spark Plug showed him the latest issue.
    "Why does that look familiar?"
    "Probably because you saw it back on Page one."
    "Oh, that might explain it.